Walking between worlds
Walking between worlds. The landscape becomes bronze and brown, leaves dancing in the wind and dropping onto the earth like tears, then slowly melting back into particles that nourish trees and animals. So too, my world is a swirling of thoughts and feelings with no place to go but into the gravitational pull of down, down, down. I barely have any skin left, as if every nerve is exposed to the air. Each day I wake with the thinnest veil holding me together, sewn in my dreams, and it is easily torn to shreds either by the force of emotion coming from the inside or from the smallest disturbance on the outside (a phone call, not being able to open a jar, a letter arriving in Hunter's name). Still, there are days I seem to be propelled forward by an unknown force, able to handle basic decisions and details. Yesterday was not such a day. Yesterday I went down, hard, from the moment I tried to do yoga at 5;30am. I surrendered to the fact that the only tender option for myself was to do restorative yoga for grief... which I did sobbing into my bolster & blankets, letting my fireplace warm the chill in my heart. As I wrote and sipped my tea the tsunami swept me up then threw me down in a puddle. Amy came, cried with me, then helped me out of that watery, treacherous place-- holding my hand and leading me to safety. This was my day-- an hour or two of work or art and then a hard pummeling by water, rock, sand. I am grateful for the moments of reprieve and respite; for taking myself into the yard to gather materials for my mandala; for going to the grave to lay on the ground and let mother earth hold me; for knowing that I could tell a good friend just how broken I felt and allowing her to love & support me.
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Dryden dropped off food and a book that arrived at just the right moment; "The Soul in Grief". As I was trying to settle myself last night I opened the pages of this book and immediately felt like I was at home, comforted by an older, wiser friend. The author was a professor at Pacifica, where I did my Master's degree in depth psychology-- he speaks Jungian fluently and reminded me that in this grief journey I have a choice: play on the surface and prolong the suffering, or dive, full-body, into the cold, dark, oceanic wilderness. What helps me most right now is to read stories of those who chose this path and came out the other side transformed, fully alive, able to give and engage again.
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Today I need a strong protective bubble around me so that I can stay focused on transitioning my business. I need to know that I can attend to details and get all the wheels in motion and trust that I have incredible support, love, and understanding. I need to know that I can go at a pace that works for where I am and that everything will be okay. Can you hold this vision for me?
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One more request/referral: I am looking for someone that can move my FB posts to a blog and also restore/update my Instagram account. Do you know of anyone that has the skills and availability and sensitivity to do this? Thank you so much.
