With a tender heart

Dear Hunter,

Yesterday your friend sent me a text of the sweet letter you wrote to her after hearing her trauma timeline in August. You were so impacted that it was hard to give her feedback in the group, so you made a point to write it out (which is better, because it's something she will always treasure). I'm not sure I've ever seen you write a page and a half letter by hand-- that in and of itself is meaningful. You easily shared your appreciation for her courage and strength, your excitement about your friendship, and how much you looked up to her.

I can't help but remember how afraid you were that, if you went to Sabino to work on the roots of your anxiety and cannabis addiction, you would be in a group of middle-aged women (horrible, I know!). You wanted to be with people your own age. A week after you got there you told me that you were having difficulty with your peers and found yourself really connecting with people in their thirties and forties. I wasn't surprised. You never had much tolerance for immature game playing. The impact you made on your friends at Sabino was evident when four of them flew to Portland for your burial service-- you'd only known them for a month! I wish you could have known, while here in physical form, how much you meant to so many people.

I miss your phone calls, the sweet texts you would send appreciating my love and support, your lanky hugs. I'm doing my best to adjust to your absence and to refrain from thinking about the future. Truth is, I have no idea where this grief storm will leave me once it's had its way with me. I have noticed that I'm not worried about you anymore. I trust you are being shepherded through the next phase of your journey. I sense you are lighter, freer without a body to contend with. It was hard for you to be embodied-- hard to know what to do with your intense sensitivities. You felt everything and it often manifested as physical pain in your gut or back. It must have been terrifying to feel that much without having tools to help you create boundaries. I appreciate that you were open to the healers and teachers I found for you-- to learn about being an empath, listen to your intuition and receive healing from the spirit realm-- this is a testament to your strong desire to grow. Your trust in me was such a gift. I will carry that gift in my heart always.

And now, my love, I have a request-- will you show me the way through this wilderness of loss? Will you leave breadcrumbs of light so that I can find my way? Will you wrap your love around me so I can withstand the liquefaction of my life? Will you stay connected and present, teaching me new ways to love and find meaning? Will you guide me to people that can help me heal? Will you allow me to be your hands and heart here on earth, doing the work you were meant to do?

For my part, I will listen for you-- I'll spend time in meditation, in nature, doing art-- I'll reach out to your friends and offer love and support-- I'll stay connected to Toni and Michael-- I'll honor you with my writing and with my life. Together a new relationship will form, of that I'm sure.

With a tender heart,

Mama