Standing naked at the edge of a frozen lake

Time to get honest with myself and with you, my community. Hunter died of an overdose. Hunter struggled with prescription drug addiction much more than I allowed myself to understand. He withheld information from me. He lived two or three lives. I knew the young man who was deeply committed to college despite his struggles with social anxiety and time management. He was kind, loving, tenderhearted, playful. He cared deeply about what other people thought of him (too much, it turns out). He wrote beautiful, thoughtful emails/texts and told me how much he loved and appreciated me. He never cut me off. He wanted to stay connected and even when he was in a dark place he reached out. He loved to learn about psychology and, ironically, was very knowledgeable about pharmacology. He was a protector of his friends yet also struggled with setting boundaries and knowing his own limits. The person I didn't know well was the Hunter that was drug seeking, who posted videos of himself making concoctions of who knows what (though the intention was clear), who had a shady group of "friends" that were drug dealers and users-- this young man lied to me even when asking for my help-- he manipulated medical providers, he refused to look at the depth of his dependence/addiction to benzos. It's so painful to write this-- I feel awash in shame and guilt and helplessness. I feel like people are looking at me with pity-- oh, there's the mom whose son overdosed...what a shame she wasn't a better parent. Even with all the love and support I've received, I fear the stigma of losing my child in this way. It was so preventable, wasn't it? Couldn't I have done something? How do I forgive him for irrevocably changing my life? This is what eats away at me. Sure, I can connect with him and I can feel that he's free, he's in a better place-- but fuck! What about the trail of tears he left behind?

...

Yesterday we finally got his laptop and cell phone back from the detective. Do I even want to know what is on those devices? Is it best to just leave it unknown? Won't it hurt more to learn about the side of his life I knew so little about? We all have private thoughts and experiences, I'm well aware of this. The question is does it help or hurt the grieving process to learn more about the inner workings of my son? I have to accept the reality that he miscalculated in an effort to feel less pain. He was battling his two selves and apparently didn't have a strong enough foothold in the self that had a future, that wanted to be a child psychologist, that had dreams of traveling to Israel and Europe, that had a date with a strong, gorgeous, healthy young lady the day he died. I'm enraged that I didn't see the danger lurking. I didn't take action sooner. I didn't stay closer to his side. I allowed my crazy life to compromise my capacity to be with him. I'm furious that he wouldn't or couldn't admit the truth of his addiction and accept the help offered. I'm furious that I feel shame because he made a fatal mistake. I'm mad at my own denial and fear of taking action sooner. I didn't know enough about addiction to see the signs. I didn't want to see it. I wanted to believe him. I shied away from conflict because I didn't want to lose him. What a joke. I lost him anyway. I didn't know I was at risk of losing him forever. I would have done anything if I'd known he might die.

....

Hindsight is useless. It's a form of self-flagellation, an unnecessary cruelty. I'm sure someday I'll find a way to turn this nightmare into something meaningful but right now I want to tear the pages out of the journal he only wrote in for a few days-- I want to scratch and tear his clothing-- I want to cut up photographs of the beautiful boy I gave my life to-- I want to smash his bong into a million pieces and burn it until only ash remains. Would he be dead if I had been stronger, more willing to set firm boundaries? Would he be dead if I had done anything differently? Would I feel less ashamed if he had just died naturally not of an overdose?

....

I feel like I'm standing in front of you completely naked at the edge of a frozen lake. I can crack a hole in the surface and dive into the icy depths or I can stay on the surface and die from exposure. That's it. Two choices. This just sucks. How do I hold the truth that Hunter loved me immensely and has hurt me in ways I have no idea how to heal?