Full, grateful, blessed}
Today is Halloween, my mother's birthday, and Hunter's Blue Full Moon. A powerful day for connecting to our ancestors.
"We can think of this full moon as a time to feel all the other hearts that are beating together, looking up into the sky, wishing for the light of the moon to bring love and clarity; wishing for strength and courage; for hope; perhaps for healing or justice; to know truth; compassion and kindness; wishing for joy; wishing for honor, inclusion, and integrity to be at the heart of all nations; wishing for peace, for ourselves and our friends and families, for all life, for this Earth." (From Anglesey Druid Order)
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I feel as full as the moon right now with the outpouring of love, compassion, resources, stories, and grace. I still haven't finished reading all of your heartfelt comments. The shame I felt has diminished in the light of love (interesting I just wrote that... the song that Hunter was listening to at the time of his death was called Light of Love - by Florence and the Machine). My fear of being judged has transformed into a feeling of being seen, held, witnessed, and understood.
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Yesterday as your comments began to come in I felt like my naked, raw self was being tenderly blanketed with tendrils of kindness. I had to stop reading for the hours I was at my office because every one of you touched me so deeply that I kept bursting into tears. A burden has been lifted by speaking the truth. What a relief to name my feelings, to name addiction, to call out shame and fear. It wasn't easy stepping out and sharing like that-- it was a calculated risk (discernment of who to be vulnerable with is critical!)-- AND the fullness and grounding that I feel as a result far outweighs the potential for being misunderstood or judged.
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Here's what I've learned from yesterday:
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1) Community is built on a willingness to be vulnerable, raw, honest, and open. Over and over I've experienced the greatest support when I've taken the biggest risk to simply be real.
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2) Addiction is a master that insists on having slaves. Our loved ones are under the spell/illusion that this master cares about them. The slave is not in charge though they may think otherwise.
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3) Fear of judgment can be quieted by naming it and working with internalized critics. I love Liz Gilbert's talk on Self-Compassion (it's on Insight Timer)-- reminding me to talk kindly to myself and write letters to myself from love.
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4) Most of us have been touched by addiction, by the sudden death of a loved one, and/or by the immense joys and sorrows of parenting. I would never know each of you as I do now if I had not been willing to share openly with you.
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5) Vulnerability creates connection. My question is this: How do we teach this to our children at a young age? How do we create safety for them to know when and where and how to be vulnerable so that their pain and suffering are held and witnessed rather than hidden, numbed, avoided, or internalized. It breaks my heart how mean our children are to each other-- how adults don't model respect & compassion-- how little support there is for the magnificent differences there are between and within us.
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6) There is so much wisdom and compassion within this community that had formed around me. All I have to do is ask and you are so willing to step forward with gifts of knowing. What a blessing that is. I believe we all deeply long for the opportunity to share our gifts and experiences. I want to create more room for this in the world, somehow.
There's more... formulating in my heart, but I need to go outside, into this beautiful Halloween day of Hunter's moon, get flowers from the farmer's market, and create some beauty.
To each and every one of you, whether you have commented or not, your presence here, in my life, sustains me in ways you will never know. Thank you for showing up, letting me know you, loving me. My heart breaks and is repaired simultaneously.
