The Grief Ache
How to be an ally to someone who is grieving (especially during the holidays)
It's hard to know how to be with your loved ones who have lost a child, spouse, sister, mother, best friend. I get it. We have no training in this department other than a litany of what not to do. Here are a few tips for how to be sensitive, inclusive and understanding when hosting gatherings during these strange times (and after). If you choose to be an active ally your generosity and love will never be forgotten.
1) Grieving makes it hard to remember details. Hold space for the grieving person, remind her of upcoming events, check-in if she doesn't arrive at the scheduled time, and pay attention to how she is doing during and after the event. Don’t be surprised if emotions erupt out of nowhere. Normalize this and listen deeply. Grief is unwieldy and cunning. Often a trigger will be revealed when a caring person takes the time to allow sorrow it’s full expression.
2) Ask the mourner how she would like her loved one acknowledged at the gathering. Having this discussion beforehand eases tension around knowing what to say and do. It might be that the ally lights a candle to honor the deceased and says a few words or a prayer. Or a song is played at the beginning to bring their spirit into the room. The important thing for someone who has lost a beloved is that this person not be forgotten. Deciding how to handle this ahead of time reduces stress and anxiety for all and naming the person's presence at the beginning completes the circle.
3) If you are doing a Zoom gathering and everyone is checking in, please don't avoid asking the mourners about their grief. Questions that help are: "How is your grief today?" or "What is it like for you to be here without (name of loved one)?" It's also lovely for family members to acknowledge the absence of this person (if they knew them). This helps to make an invisible loss more visible.
4) Give the mourners permission to leave the gathering if overwhelmed by grief. If this happens send them messages of love, letting them know you noticed they left and it's ok, and you love them so much.
5) Reach out before and after family/holiday gatherings-- call and let them hear your voice, offer to take a walk, send a card of love and support. Even if they don't respond. Keep reaching out. You matter. Sometimes it's just bloody hard to return calls or texts when covered by a thick fog of grief. It’s a confusing time. The tendency is to isolate because you don’t want to dampen a joyous occasion, and you just don’t want to pretend. An ally can help wrap the circle around the griever so that she isn’t out in the cold.
