Liminal threads of light
Dear Hunter,
When I wrapped my arms around your cooling body, lying in the hallway where the paramedics had tried valiantly to save you, just outside the door of the bedroom you had grown up in since the age of two, I was in a liminal space, feeling the surreal shock of knowing your heart was not beating, your eyes could not see, your hands were truly lifeless.
Even at that moment, when my greatest fear had come to pass, I was aware of the gifts being laid at my feet. You died at home surrounded by those that loved you most. It was as if you realized it was time to go and tried to make your leaving as gentle as possible. In those first days after your death, I felt that the door of motherhood had slammed shut, with a terrifying noise, and locked itself leaving no key.
It was like being in a dark corridor within a building I was only vaguely familiar with. I pounded my fists on your door. I collapsed in front of it, not comprehending the permanence of its closure. I yelled my rage and felt it echo back at me, hollow and harsh. When the storm of emotions paused, leaving me spent and motionless, silence caressed me, urging me to look down the hallway.
....
I began to notice lights, soft colors flickering, the way the aurora borealis dances across the northern sky, singular threads of green and rose and purple merging in a heavenly kaleidoscope. I started to venture away from the door, never losing sight of it, yet curious, sensing the difference between the aliveness of the light and the cold, stillness of the door. As I called out for help, sang prayers through my tears, opened my heart, and shared my deepest shame, the lights grew stronger, more colorful, at moments so magical that I forgot about the door and had only my breath inside the heartbeat of beauty.
....
I am learning to journey on those liminal threads of light. You are with me, all ways. The door, I now see, was an illusion of a mind and a culture that sees death as the end. I hear you say, "Above it only sky..." and know that you are showing me ways to expand my heart and hone my inner vision. On this morning, on earth, in my very human body, I accept the path you are showing me. I will not resist. Show me the way, my sweet boy. I'm yours.
.....
With immense love and admiration,
Mama
