Wealth

I've been noticing my reactions to your messages -- at times they resonant so deeply that I am stopped in my tracks, aware that this is what it feels like to be seen and witnessed... how life-giving this is. Likewise, when a response feels off or simply not my experience, I consider it, taste it, assess what is true and what is not. Being inside an experience of this type of loss is different than witnessing it. And while I am sharing what I can, you aren't here to see whether I write a devastating poem then curl into a ball for the rest of the day or if writing that poem is what gave me the strength to go to work, be on Zoom with clients and think through the complexities of financial planning (both are true).

What I know for sure is that as devastating and life-altering as Hunter's death has been I have felt, from the moment I got Toni's phone call, that I am surrounded by love and support and assistance from this world and beyond. It has not felt like hell because I am keenly aware of all the situations that would have complicated and intensified my grief (murder, not being able to see his body, not having family & friends that immediately showed up and held us in a net of love, losing my home as well as my child, being a refugee and not knowing where my next meal would come from, fearing for my life, etc).

For 18 years I have been a financial planner, helping people to build and maintain wealth. I often have to nudge my clients to enjoy the resources they have so diligently built for themselves. So often people know how to give or save but not receive or spend (enjoy their wealth). I've seen how having a few million dollars has nothing to do with happiness or having a sense of security. The clients that are living fully, being generous, and have meaningful community are the wealthy ones. They seem to know that when life throws them a curve ball they didn't see coming there are human beings they can rely on to get them through. I have learned so much from them. And despite losing our beloved business (Sacred Money Studios) in March 2020 and being saddled with debt, I see now how that investment in community building is part of what has sustained us during these past months-- and for that, I'm immensely grateful.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

WEALTH

You can sit on your gold

piled high in

whitewashed institutions,

but it will not hold

your head or stroke your

cheek or feed you chicken soup

when your world lies broken

at your feet.

Instead, you must invest

the seeds of vulnerability,

the grain of your longings,

into the lives of other humans

that are here, with you,

walking the tender trails

of exquisite mourning.

This is what you have been

saving for

without knowing it.

Each time you open your door,

open your heart, open your wallet

Each time you offer a hand or an ear

Each time you reach out and companion

someone when their strength falters

You are building your wealth,

that sacred source of sustenance that

cannot be tallied or contained or controlled.

When you walk through

hell, as the sticky tendrils

of darkness grab your weary limbs,

(and, believe me, we will all walk

through these corridors),

the only way to survive

is by opening to the grace

that you yourself have created.

You must allow yourself to be

tended to. You must breathe in

the arms that hold you.

You must surrender to the wild wealth

of community you’ve been

building all these years.

This and only this

is how it’s possible to walk through hell

bleeding and raw

to the other side

of wholeness.

(Jan 28, 2021- 5 month anniversary)