Things I love about you
Numb....Do I still have feet to walk the earth? Are my hands still attached to the nerves and veins that lead to my heart? Am I feeling everything or nothing at all? When I have a day without a torrent of tears... when my energy is steady and I can spend a few hours after work decluttering... I begin to wonder how it's possible that I'm still standing. Am I in a whirlpool of denial? Where did my feelings go?
...
Sorting through the mountain of boxes, papers, photos, and memorabilia that have accumulated in the aftermath of closing Sacred Money Studios, remodeling our house, and dealing with Hunter's belongings is daunting, yet last night that is exactly what I did. Over and over I came across photographs of Hunter-- me wearing the smile of a proud mama holding my miracle baby; standing next to an inflatable Spiderman at the age of three; on a boat in Costa Rica for his first snorkeling adventure; a robust baby asleep on colorful blankets in Mexico. I didn't cry as I did this. I was even listening to the podcast "Losing a Child" as I worked! I found a box of ceramic sculptures he had painted when he was six or seven... but felt no emotion about them. What will I do with his size 15 winter boots or the textbooks from his first two years of college? I do not treasure these things. Holding on to his stuff does not return him to me. I want these things to help other people. I've saved some of his clothes, the sword I bought in San Francisco for his collection, books that had been important in his life like "The Four Agreements" and "The 48 Laws of Power" and "How to Change Your Mind". Mostly what I cherish are the texts and emails and cards he wrote to me. He often struggled to figure out what to give me for my birthday (if he remembered at all), and if he asked me I would always say that what I value most is his words, as they have a lasting impact far beyond the life of a book or sweater or bouquet of flowers.
This is what he wrote to me for my birthday this year:
....Happy birthday Mom!
Ever since I can remember you have been my main line of support. You have always been there for me from me feeling sick at school to me calling in the middle of a panic attack, you would stop whatever you were doing just to talk me through it. As I take this human development class, we have been learning about different parenting styles and what makes a good parent. And the more I read the more I realize that you and mom were 1000% better than what our book describes as “a really good parent”. You guys are the best parents I could have ever asked for and I’m so incredibly lucky that you are my mom. Another thing I really appreciate about you is how accepting and nonjudgmental you are. You always find the good in people and that’s just something I have always admired about you.
I really hope this year brings you less stress as your journey with the pie shop comes to a close. Fun new adventures for you and Amy await you. I also really hope that we can try to designate more time for just the two of us to do things so we can spend more time together.
I love you very much and hope you have a great rest of your birthday. Love, Hunter
.....
In 2012, when he was 12 and preparing for his Bar Mitzvah he wrote this:
Things I Love About You:
You always know how to lift my spirits
You know when to comfort and when to let me be
You show compassion for even the worst people
You taught me how to give
You care about everyone you meet
You push me in academics and for that I thank you
You take care of the dogs every day
You inspire me to be more creative
You pushed me to do the yearbook art contest and now my art is on the cover of the yearbook!
You know how to work with tools
You make working for you fun
You try to make me eat healthy, though it will never work
You and mom are the best parents I could ever ask for.
.......
When I allow these words into my heart the ice begins to melt, the tears flow, my body lets down. They are the very best gift I've ever received.
