Stillness
This is what is going through my mind this morning... what will I do with all the love, energy, and attention I used to give so freely to Hunter? Just writing that made me burst into tears. It would be easier to fill the void than to feel the pain of his absence-- I could get a new puppy or pour myself into a new project-- but I know, in my cells, that I am being asked to sit in that stillness and learn to experience a state of not giving. This year has stripped me of so much (I almost wrote "everything" but that's not true... I have Amy, my family, and community-- and I never want to forget what remains even after losing Hunter, my beloved business, and my soul dog). During the past few years, I often found myself in a state of overwhelm as I gave more than I had to give in hopes that things would turn around and rebalance. I see now that giving more was not the answer. I was being asked to go within. Now, as winter approaches and darkness descends I am gathering what I need for the journey-- canvas, silk, paper, paints, dyes, brushes, candles, incense, and my guitar. While I am returning to work on October 8th and have a great deal of catching up to do, when I'm not working I will be nesting in the arms of the underworld, learning from the inside out, planting seeds for spring so that when the rains come and the earth warms I'm ready to sprout.
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I headed to Smather's beach yesterday morning on my moped and was amazed to find it empty at 8:00 in the morning. A few miles of sand and sea all to myself. I plopped my bag down then put my feet in the water, and there, a few feet away, was a bowl-like sea sponge the size of an unhusked coconut. Perfect, I thought! I'll put Hunter's picture in there. I dug out a hole and rested the sponge/nest there, then made concentric circles with my fingers-- the sand both warm and cool, soft and firm. I added butterfly garlands and when I was finished I sat, facing the ocean, and gave thanks. I prayed for my friends who are going through a rough time and watched the water for dolphins. A beautiful pelican was fishing right in front of me....soaring inches off the water, then up into the air, positioning itself for the dive, splashing beak first into the water, gulping down the fish before taking off again. So graceful with its 8 ft wingspan and foot-long beak.
...Notes on Pelican: "The pelican represents teamwork, regeneration, and resourcefulness. Pelicans have been driven to near extinction in many areas due to the pollution of mankind, but have managed to bounce back. They speak of resilience and determination. Pelicans are very social creatures who will hunt in groups in the spirit of cooperation, banding together to push schools of fish towards the shallows, where they can then scoop them up. They nest communally and both males and females take turns sitting on the eggs. Pelican symbolizes the determination to not only survive but thrive even when odds are stacked against them. Pelican reminds you that you need to take some time for yourself so that you can go inward. Ultimately, taking this breather will bring things back into focus for yourself. Savoring each moment is essential. Therefore, take the time to enjoy what life has to offer in each moment. Do not be afraid to ask for help." (source: spirit-animals.com)
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Just as I scanned the horizon one more time in hopes of seeing a dolphin, a large bird landed in the palm tree behind me. I recognized it as a raptor of some sort by the wings and tail. It hung out and I got as close as I could and took notes: white head and body, brown wings, band of brown from the eyes to the wings. What is this? I lay down in the sand and watched it while it appeared to watch me. Fifteen minutes like this. I took a few videos and then captured it flying off, though it only went about 100 yards to the palm tree on the other side of my shrine. We continued to commune for another ten minutes before he lifted off and headed west. When I returned home I looked it up and discovered that most likely this was an osprey-- which I have never seen up close before. Here's what I learned about osprey:
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"Osprey symbolism is asking you if you are feeling a little out of your comfort zone. In other words, the changes in you and around you have been overwhelming of late. Osprey is here to let you know that you can put your head under the emotional water and still survive. This spirit animal dictates that you must stop worrying about what other people think. People with the Osprey totem know how to go after what they want. They also know how to hold onto it once they get it. Thus they can dive deeply into the pools of creativity and draw forth what they need to move forward. These folks tend to treat others with a great deal of respect, regardless of how they feel about them. They always maintain their integrity even in a clash of wills with another." (source: spirit-animals.com)
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There is magic everywhere, every day... even when it's rough & raw, drenched & shredded, still there is magic.