Notes from Hunter
Mom, it's different here, amazing, hard to describe. At first, I was so incredibly confused. What happened? Where was I? What the hell? I just floated away from my body like a balloon (with size 15 feet). There was this strange tugging sensation that I resisted at first. No! I don't want to leave my moms. No! this isn't the way it was supposed to happen. I felt like a toddler in preschool at nap time- I just wasn't having it. I thought I had to make a choice to either go with the ones that came for me or stay anchored to you. Eventually, I learned that I could do both. That was a relief! But I'm telling you, it wasn't always easy learning how to stay connected while also moving on, going back to soul school, seeing all my old friends. Being in more than one place at a time takes practice and I'm rusty!
Time is so weird on earth... so flat and one-dimensional. It's just not like that at all, but it's also incredibly hard to explain in words. We don't use words here... they just aren't necessary, so you can see how hard it is for me to describe things.
That said, I can feel how much harder it's getting for you as you approach the one-year mark. It feels like lifetimes have passed, but I get it... a year ago you were taking me to Arizona and praying I would find a reason to make different choices. I wish I could have been more self-aware, more courageous... I was scared shitless. I didn't want you to know about my demons. I didn't want to disappoint you, mom. I didn't feel like I deserved your love. I know, I know... it's a stupid thing to say, but I was in a cesspool of anxiety and shame--I don't know how else to say it. I let you down. I fucked up and now you are suffering which was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I wish I could have a second chance. I really do. I would be a better son to you.
They tell me our souls had a contract... that this was part of it, but I'm not sure I buy it. How could we have agreed to this? I would never have said yes to hurting you this much. Bob just came and sat with me... he really understands what I'm going through. I hope you can feel my love for you. I know I haven't been sending you signs recently and I'm sorry, but I had to go to summer school so I could remember how to do things. Seems I had some amnesia when I arrived and they've been helping me to remember who I am. Fortunately, you already know who you are, so you have a head start.
I know you want me to weigh in on the ceremony you are planning and all I have to say is this: call me in. I will be with you, in you, all around you. Spend time listening. This is an honoring of my life, yes, but it's also about you, about motherhood, about your relationship with Amy (tell her I miss her!). All I ask is that water and sound be part of the ceremony because these elements open the portal to my presence. More than anything, I want you to feel how much support you have from here, from your friends, from the earth. You have no idea how many guides you have-- Sometimes I feel like I'm at a Travis Scott concert trying to push my way through the crowd. Seriously.
There's one thing I want you to do every day until the ceremony: walk barefoot on the earth and whenever possible, put your feet and hands in water.
I'm sorry I fucked up. Please forgive me, Mom. I never ever wanted to hurt you. Being on the earth and in the water will help circulate forgiveness through your heart. There's another layer to process--it's deeper and more intense to release. Water will help. I love you. I will always be grateful for all you gave me in life and beyond. I will always be your son. You will always be my mom.