Letters

Dear Hunter,

Finding photos of you everywhere is brutal. Yesterday I found a few mother's day cards, an essay you wrote about going to Arizona to spend time with Tanner, a report card, the midwife's notes on your birth, a photo of you taken just as you came to the surface of the water after being born. How can it be that you are gone but not gone? For years I longed to be a mother-- all my energy was focused on this, the biggest dream of my life. You were a miracle baby, born from such desire and readiness. I'm still asking myself what I did wrong or what I could have done to help you make better/different choices. I tell myself that there's something bigger at play here, that children and young people die for random reasons every day-- gunshots, bike accidents, brain tumors, plane crashes, terrorist attacks, suicide-- and every day there are people that survive these things. You could have had a near-death experience, an awakening, and returned to a different life with a profound understanding of the universe and a deep desire to make something of your life. Yet your life slipped away and you couldn't catch it, though I truly believe you wanted to. And so, now what? I don't want any fucking platitudes. The pain is so real. I just want you to show me how to do this. How to navigate the shame I feel that my only child, who was raised with such love all around him-- no abuse, neglect, trauma-- just a great deal of love in a solid, safe and stable home, with amazing opportunities to see the world, you had so much given to you and instead of using it as a springboard for making a mark in the world you spiraled down into the grips of the dark side, believing for some reason that you were not worthy of love, a second chance or healing. I would love to know why it went that way, why I was blessed with raising you then abruptly denied motherhood for the rest of my life. Why Hunter? Why?

Love, Mom

Dear Mom--

"Why?" is a toxic question that only takes you by the ends and tangles you into tight, impossible knots. I've asked myself the question as well and my mentors say, "Look around you... what is in your field right now? That is where to focus your energy, your consciousness. In our world this very human question of why has little relevance. Throughout your journey you are presented with choices, each has its own curriculum and objectives. There are no right or wrong choices, not really. All roads lead to the evolution of your soul. Sometimes you volunteer to engage in a course of study and other times we assign a course to you-- but either way, it's still up to you how deeply you learn the subject, how willing you are to do the work, and whether you take advantage of the resources available to you. Life on earth, your 21 years in the body of Hunter, was an opportunity to experience embodiment and to develop self-compassion. You've already seen in your life review how that went. Now you are basically in summer school, reviewing the courses you got an incomplete in. Do you see how irrelevant the question "why" is? You have new skills to learn, and the pace is intense. Don't wallow in why. Learn to communicate without words. By doing this you are helping your mom, your friends, and your family evolves. This is your task now. Let go of guilt and disappointment. Let go of your desire to take away the pain you've caused. Everyone has their own journey through the landscape of love. When "why" washes over you, fill your thoughts with green light and beam it to earth... this will drain the toxicity of the question and replace it with connection."

I guess they know what they are talking about. I am still learning the ropes. I was never that great at learning new languages and this is intense because I want so badly to let you know I'm right here with you. Get the gazebo. It will make Amy happy and that is worth the price. (ok, that's all the advice I have!) I'm sorry Mom. I promise that I'll be with you as your life unfolds, we are doing this together just like I told you during your journey. All you have to do is ask... don't forget to ask for my help. We've been told not to jump in and try to fix things. Damn, that's a tall order! You can ask for signs, support, answers... whatever you need.

Remember the other day when you said you are afraid to dream anymore because your two biggest dreams both died in 2020? I heard you. We heard you. It's time for a different perspective. What if the dream, the lesson, was complete? What if you thought of the dream from a higher vantage point. It might look something like this: instead of "My deepest dream is to become a mother," what if it were, "My dream is to love as deeply and completely as possible through motherhood and beyond?" Or with Sacred Money Studios, instead of "My dream is to create a sanctuary for community and financial education that uplifts, connects and empowers," you said, "My dream is to evolve by connecting people to others that will help them grow, learn and thrive." Different, right? You are a complete success at both dreams when looked at from a broader vantage point.

I know this doesn't take away the sorrow you feel every time you see my baby pictures or remember the intense joy of giving birth to me. I know this sorrow is necessary and can't be avoided (though I wish I could take it away, believe me, I do). Over time you will need to let go of your disappointment and anger. There's no rush. Keep your feet on the earth, surround yourself with water, write the truth you feel no matter how ugly, distasteful, or raw. It can only become compost once it's expressed. Please know that I'm working as hard as you are (you've always been a great role model in that department) and it will get easier to connect as time goes on.

I Love You, Hunter.