A Letter to Hunter on His Birthday

Hunter, my sweet boy-man, the truest love of my life,

I am holding space for you today, honoring the day you were birthed into this world, though you and I became acquainted during the nine months that you took root and flourished within my body. My breasts swelled in anticipation of your arrival. My heart doubled in size. Patience and resilience and courage were implanted in my bones and were woven into the fabric of my cells. I loved you more with each flutter of feet against my belly, our heartbeats dancing as one, my blood nourishing your blood, our systems intertwined until, on May 14th, after twelve hours of labor, you made your way through the birth canal (a treacherous journey, no doubt) and for the first time opened your eyes to the light of the world, to see my face, amazed and delighted and exhausted, gazing on you with love unlike any I'd ever known. Was that your mission? To show me how wide my heart could stretch without breaking?

And then, without warning, you were gone and all my love had nowhere to go. Your body was a shell, your soul took flight and I am left behind, mystified by your miraculous arrival and departure. How will I go on? How could our time together, this mother-son time, have been cut short so abruptly? I don't admit to understand. I've given up trying.

Today I will remember your kindness, the way you always asked how my day was going before telling me about yours, the fact that you trusted me and never shut me out, the way you accepted Amy without hesitation, how you looked out for little kids and took the time to comfort them when they fell or got scraped up. I remember your love of fireworks and the mischievous look on your face when doing cooking experiments that left the kitchen in a tornado of destruction but oh, were you happy! I remember the way you hung out with me when I planted the garden, groomed the dog, painted in my studio, played the guitar-- you just wanted to be close by which was a joy. I remember the young man who wanted nothing more than to belong, to find a safe place in the world for a tender heart. You cried easily which I was grateful for-- despite the fact that some boys teased you for your sensitivity-- from my perspective your ability to cry was one of your greatest strengths. For the 7770 days, you graced my life, and I'm forever grateful. Your name is engraved on my heart and though I will find ways to connect with you, I will always miss your smile, your hugs, your voice, your phone calls, the love that only you could give.

With so much love,

Mama